• Maelstrom Magazine

IT IS I, THE GUY WHO'S ALWAYS QUOTING FUNNY MOVIES. BUT ISN'T ACTUALLY FUNNY - Hyde Healy

You know me. You’ve seen me at parties, in the breakroom at the office, or at the family BBQ, lighting up the conversation with a skillfully-timed Happy Gilmore reference or Austin Powers quote. Yes, I am that guy who is constantly quoting funny movies, but never seems to actually say anything funny. Or maybe I’m not that guy. Maybe...I am Mclovin! Haha that’s from Superbad. You ever seen Superbad?


You see, I’m always good for a laugh, given that you’ve seen the movie I’m talking about and remember exactly which scene I’m quoting. I can make a group lightly chuckle for minutes with a flawless parroting of a Will Ferrell line. You could say my sense of humor...izza very nice! Haha! That’s Borat. Come on, you’ve never seen Borat? My wiiife! No? How have you never seen Borat?! It’s hilarious! In fact, if you will excuse me I’m gonna go find someone who has seen it and quote roughly twenty minutes of Borat jokes to them. Oh how sweet it will be to revel in their laughter that I am solely responsible for producing.


It’s not easy, what I do. You think it’s easy to remember all the outrageous lines from a movie I’ve seen eleven times and then expertly recall any of those lines when the conversation goes dry? Ha. I’d like to see you try.


Sometimes, one of my equally funny friends will bring up a hilarious movie and then it’s on. The next ten minutes of the conversation will be dominated exclusively by rapid-fire quotes from said movie. It’s almost like a competition. See what joke warrior can remember and then recite the funniest line. It’s just glorious. We’re like comedy gladiators, trading blow after blow of worn-out Anchorman lines. You hit me with a somewhat specific Brick Tamland quote, and I’ll counter with an even more specific Brick Tamland quote! And all the while everyone’s absolutely loving it. Their guffaws? Music to my ears. Ah, moments like those are what I live for.


What’s that? You say I am not actually a funny person? That— just because I am repeating something that is humorous—it doesn’t make me, as a person, funny? Preposterous. So what if I never actually say anything funny or amusing that I myself thought of. People are still laughing, are they not? Look, all I know is that I say things and people laugh. Ergo, I am funny. You seem to not know how comedy works. Not surprising for someone who’s never seen Borat.

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